Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Still Fighting

I've been reading Alan Watts, and of course it is blowing my mind. For the past few months I've been soaking it up. The world has become magic again, intelligent, more peaceful... in theory. The greatest gift he has given me is the confirmation, or just an iteration of the law I've known to be true my whole life: The Law of Opposites. The more I want something, the farther away I get. The harder I try, the more impossible it becomes. Try not to be self-conscious and see how that goes. Try to do everything in your power to make him love you, and you end up repulsing him. I have evidence of this in each year of my life. The beautiful times in my life have happened very accidentally. My husband: I did everything wrong--according to myself--but he still loved me. When I started riding my bike, quit smoking, it all came so easily. This knowledge is wonderful, and for a moment I feel released from the struggle. Until I try to let go. The Law says itself that trying is disingenuous. But I can't resolve the dilemma. It's not bad, I tell myself, to want a healthier life. Why should I automatically be doomed if I strive for it? But I am. Calorie counting, trying to quit, cut down on the drinks and get to the gym. There are small successes overshadowed by constant obsession and failures. I've never lost weight when I tried. I would just turn around one day and realize my pants didn't fit. Giving up feels resigned, lazy. Trying seems futile. I'm tied in so many knots. The result is paralysis. My life now doesn't want to let daily physical activity in. My person doesn't want to write or paint... but she thinks she does, and spends most of her time in regret. The only thing I can think to do now, at the end of my rope, I have been doing this for so many goddamn years, is to move away. Shake it up beyond recognition. Sounds desperate. But I guess I have to wait until I just let go. Forcing it is making me a nutcase. One thing though... I may be confused regularly, but I'm not sad.

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