Friday, March 18, 2016

Kiddy Pool

Yesterday I was talking through some personal drama, repeating myself, defending myself, explaining again why this person is ridiculous, and I am righteous, and then shaming myself for gossip, meddling, having absolutely no ability to let the unimportant things roll off my back. And I suddenly realized two things. Well, I had begun to realize the first thing a few days ago after a phone call with my mother... The girl fight behavior... that's a learned behavior. My whole life I watched my mother stockpile ammunition again this or that person that made her uncomfortable, threatened her position, or made her feel insecure about her own choices. Then it was a silent war. I'm reluctant to be hard core critical, but it's not exactly a useful behavior. Even if your observations are right. And here I am, on the phone with mom, gathering ammunition against her cause I'm gonna call my sister 3 minutes after we hang up. The greatest irony.
This is how I learned, and it fucking sucks. I am a master at perpetuating some mutual dislike between myself and another person. In my mind that equates to a caddy airheaded child. That's how I am seeing myself.
The second realization was that my life is very shallow right now, and so yeah, I'm easily drawn into group drama, and tv shows for that matter. Whats the difference?
When and how did it become shallow? Not sure, maybe my definition changed... when grad school ended? When that constant emotional pain left me? (This is an interesting one, my life is not shallow because I'm in pain? or I just don't notice it --or anything-- cause I'm in pain?) Lord knows I've had so much difficulty forcing myself to be creative, it that it? No art? I prioritize work and then its just free time, lazy time, sometimes workout time. It's a confusing question to myself, because I do read, I've been thinking about Alan Watts pretty regularly for months...
Hold up, I'm creating a defense for myself against the argument that my life is shallow. Maybe what I mean to say is, I have no pursuit now. Nothing to obsess about or dabble with, nothing that is carrying me away. It's all done with great echoy effort. I'm so easily distracted.
That hard part is I can't think my way out of this one. I can't decided to be carried away. I must unthink, do nothing, flip that magnet. A slippery task. I'm gonna pull my hair out.

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