Tuesday, March 29, 2016


Two long days in my head.
Arrived home from my trip and it was like California Valley fog immediately as I walked in the door.

My mind. My thoughts. The boulder, marble pillar in the center of my life, blocking me from everything, not necessarily talking me out of my life (in fact, most of the time I'm trying to talk myself into it), but keeping me too busy and confused to do a damn thing. I wonder if total exasperation is the only path to the wisdom of letting go. And I wonder how close I am to Total Exasperation.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Kiddy Pool

Yesterday I was talking through some personal drama, repeating myself, defending myself, explaining again why this person is ridiculous, and I am righteous, and then shaming myself for gossip, meddling, having absolutely no ability to let the unimportant things roll off my back. And I suddenly realized two things. Well, I had begun to realize the first thing a few days ago after a phone call with my mother... The girl fight behavior... that's a learned behavior. My whole life I watched my mother stockpile ammunition again this or that person that made her uncomfortable, threatened her position, or made her feel insecure about her own choices. Then it was a silent war. I'm reluctant to be hard core critical, but it's not exactly a useful behavior. Even if your observations are right. And here I am, on the phone with mom, gathering ammunition against her cause I'm gonna call my sister 3 minutes after we hang up. The greatest irony.
This is how I learned, and it fucking sucks. I am a master at perpetuating some mutual dislike between myself and another person. In my mind that equates to a caddy airheaded child. That's how I am seeing myself.
The second realization was that my life is very shallow right now, and so yeah, I'm easily drawn into group drama, and tv shows for that matter. Whats the difference?
When and how did it become shallow? Not sure, maybe my definition changed... when grad school ended? When that constant emotional pain left me? (This is an interesting one, my life is not shallow because I'm in pain? or I just don't notice it --or anything-- cause I'm in pain?) Lord knows I've had so much difficulty forcing myself to be creative, it that it? No art? I prioritize work and then its just free time, lazy time, sometimes workout time. It's a confusing question to myself, because I do read, I've been thinking about Alan Watts pretty regularly for months...
Hold up, I'm creating a defense for myself against the argument that my life is shallow. Maybe what I mean to say is, I have no pursuit now. Nothing to obsess about or dabble with, nothing that is carrying me away. It's all done with great echoy effort. I'm so easily distracted.
That hard part is I can't think my way out of this one. I can't decided to be carried away. I must unthink, do nothing, flip that magnet. A slippery task. I'm gonna pull my hair out.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Still Fighting

I've been reading Alan Watts, and of course it is blowing my mind. For the past few months I've been soaking it up. The world has become magic again, intelligent, more peaceful... in theory. The greatest gift he has given me is the confirmation, or just an iteration of the law I've known to be true my whole life: The Law of Opposites. The more I want something, the farther away I get. The harder I try, the more impossible it becomes. Try not to be self-conscious and see how that goes. Try to do everything in your power to make him love you, and you end up repulsing him. I have evidence of this in each year of my life. The beautiful times in my life have happened very accidentally. My husband: I did everything wrong--according to myself--but he still loved me. When I started riding my bike, quit smoking, it all came so easily. This knowledge is wonderful, and for a moment I feel released from the struggle. Until I try to let go. The Law says itself that trying is disingenuous. But I can't resolve the dilemma. It's not bad, I tell myself, to want a healthier life. Why should I automatically be doomed if I strive for it? But I am. Calorie counting, trying to quit, cut down on the drinks and get to the gym. There are small successes overshadowed by constant obsession and failures. I've never lost weight when I tried. I would just turn around one day and realize my pants didn't fit. Giving up feels resigned, lazy. Trying seems futile. I'm tied in so many knots. The result is paralysis. My life now doesn't want to let daily physical activity in. My person doesn't want to write or paint... but she thinks she does, and spends most of her time in regret. The only thing I can think to do now, at the end of my rope, I have been doing this for so many goddamn years, is to move away. Shake it up beyond recognition. Sounds desperate. But I guess I have to wait until I just let go. Forcing it is making me a nutcase. One thing though... I may be confused regularly, but I'm not sad.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Hot Bath

Something about today has sent my heart-a-sinking. Nothing about my situation has changed, but today I feel pain and anger and guilt and remorse. I feel like a fraud, and that my goodness is limited at best, and at worst, I'm the same finger-pointing nonsense machine that I rail so vociferously against. I want only to be wrapped up in the hottest bath I can stand and gently glide out of this mental mess. I want to realize again that nothing has ever been all good or bad, that the innocent are the guilty, and whenever I told myself that it was either/or I was gravely mistaken and missing the difficult-to-grasp-fact that I had a vantage point.