Welp, the denial phase is over and I can officially consider our friendship dead. A month ago I had many things to say to you. I wanted restitution, unjustly kicked from your kingdom. I also wanted to beg for you back, demand that we drop all this nonsense and get a cup of goddamn coffee. And now I realize all those gifts you gave had a heavy toll: that I love you and no one else. You were careful to keep me on the fringe; you were the middleman between me and friendships, art, community, anything beautiful. It all always belonged to you. I'm not sure you loved me (I hope so) but you sure as heck liked me depending on you. But as that changed, you have always justified your cruelty with "My pain is bigger than yours, therefore my actions are just." This is important only as a kind of detox for me, a lifting of a curse, reprogramming after excommunication from a cult. You had me convinced this whole time that everything else in my life was fake, and you were the only genuine piece. I missed out on valuing so much. I can recover now.
So, my dear, I don't care anymore. Whatever your problem was and is, it's not me.